She lays there, covered in three different blankets and still shaking from the cold. Pain races all over her. It's origin is her empty stomach. She bites her lip at another shake of pain attacks her. She should be happy. This is what she wanted, pain. Still, knowing that her razor is laying in her purse raises her to her feet.
Her legs are tiny, little sticks that barely hold her up. They shake and wobble. She stumbles, and crawls the rest of the way to the purse. With a dainty purr, she digs through the bag.
When it is in front of her, a child-like giggle comes out of her. It's beauty to her. The way the metal glints in the half light, sending a bent reflection seems more meaningful to her than anything she could find anywhere else.
When it sinks in, man is it amazing. She bites her bottom lip as another kind of pain enters her system. Only, this makes her feel. It makes her want to run around, laughing and screaming. This pain...it's enough, for now. Soon, though, she picks up the razor, scared of the nothingness that seems to be filling her. Another cut is added to her wrists. Still, her body, finally unused to the chemicals after months, reacts to the pain by filling her full emotions. Again, she feels pure, alive.
This time, she does get up. She dances around her room to loud music on her MP3 player even though it's about three in the morning. She doesn't care. This high won't last, and she knows it.
When she's tired, she just falls onto her bed, giggling. To herself she says, "It's more amazing than coffee," and that makes her even happier than the actual act did.
Alex Here Again:
Soo... More cutting desires...and wishful thinking. I really want to cut, if you can't tell by this writing. I do not support cutting, even if I may do it. If you hurt yourself in any way, get help. I haven't noticed it being better, but many, many, many people do. And yes, I really do keep a razor blade in my purse. Which is a relapse waitin to happen, but I would rather have one than risk cutting my mouth up trying to get another one.
Also, thanks for all the comments! I do read them and they are encouraging.
Another thing, SORRY if the picture is triggering to anyone. It was the most...meaningful (to me) when I was looking for pictures.
Your writing is very good. I like it. I keep a razor in my desk drawer. I shouldn't but I do. In case I need it? It's like a security blanket. It's there if I really truly need it, and I like the idea of having it in case I need it. I've used it to open things when i can find scissors too. I would like to never cut again. I rarely cut my wrist. Too hard to hide. And too easy to end up in the ER or dead.
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